Many famlies feel distress and anxiety when it comes time to talk about the family finances. Wise stories about family money management and planning appear in the newspapers and popular magazines reguarly. The stories prudently talk about the steps we all should take to get our financial houses inorder. And we should. Yet like a lot of self-help plans, those that involveimproving our money lives often turn out to be much easier read than done! Why is this the case? We shall answer this complex question and tackle someof the practical issues it raises in a series of articles.

Any family or individual seeking to improve harmony around money may profit by gaining an understanding of the emotional issues involved. So just why do so many people have such a hard time dealing with their money life? A helpful clue can be found in an anecdote about Sigmund Freud, the famous psychoanalyst whose theories popularized the notion of the unconscious mind ( e.g. the "Freudian slip" of the tongue.) As the story goes, Freud, who is often depicted with a cigar, was questioned at a professional meeting about the symbolic significance of his own smoking. Freud defensively replied that "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". In contrast to Freud’s cigar, however, money is never "just money". It is much more than that.

Money is (pardon the pun) a "two-sided coin". One side is indeed very real, pragmatic and practical. The articles and stories in the financial magazines and else where address this side. But money has another much more psychological side as well. Here on this side is where money is overlaid and underlaid with a whole Pandora’s box full of emotional "stuff". When you cross over onto this side, it can seem that you have indeed enteredinto the financial equivalent of "The Twilight Zone". In this realm, we all may be able to sense that the emotional "stuff"is there, but we cannot really put our finger on it. Yet it can makemoney feel suffocatingly tight, cause tempers to flare, provoke serious conflicts, confuse priorities, trigger overspending, saddle us with debt,adversely effect our investment-related decisions, derail the most carefullythought out family money plan, or even prevent a plan from being developed. Where does this emotional stuff come from and what does it mean?

Some answers are found in the sweep of history from the times of the ancient gods and goddesses to the present. During the passage of time money acquired both conscious and unconscious symbolic meanings and emotional associations. It has become much more than simply the commodity which it is. For example, the Romans established a mint at the temple of the goddess Juno. Amythology surrounding the gods then helped to shape society’s beliefs about money and the symbolic divine meanings that it took on. It is from these beliefs, meanings, and experiences with money thatpowerful emotions and feelings were generated. These emotions (envy, fear, hope, resentment, joy, etc.) then became psychologically attached to money itself . They have been communicated across the generations to the present in the form of a legacy of beliefs and expectations. Is it not written that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a richman to enter the kingdom of heaven? On the other hand, is it not a rich prince who rescues the fair maiden to live happily ever after? (It is not a charming farmer or kind shopkeeper or sensitive writer who does the rescuing. It is the rich prince. Ok, he was usually handsome as well. But always rich.)

The stories and tales passed along the ancient legacy to us today. Along the way, each generation of each family added its own contribution to the emotional legacy of money. And it is this legacy which causes us such problems with our money. We have been left "holding the bag" of money, so to speak, and its elusive underlying "emotional stuff". Here are three practical steps we can take to help neutralize this emotional legacy in order to become more objective and enhance our money life.

One: Get to know yourself a little better when it comes to money. We must uncover the family legacy. First, try to lower your anxiety. Relax a little, then investigate. Find the clues. Get a journal and write down the specific objective circumstances in which the money issue presents itself. For example, with many families, the birth of the first child/becoming a parent often triggers money issues/conflicts due to unforeseen expenses, unexpected bills, loss of income for time off, need to use credit cards, tapping emergency funds, reallocating money away from other desired plans, etc. Or if there is an older child, the circumstances may involve trying toplan for college expenses or needing to find a larger living space. The arrival of a child changes the relationships within a family and changes the relationshipswe have with money. Note if the money issue involves just yourself and money or someone else as well, e.g. partner, sibling, parent.

Two: It is important to engage in some honest introspection about money’s real role, purpose and meaning for you. Try this imagination exercise to help with this step. Pretend that money is a "real" person, an interested party to the circumstances, perhaps like a family member. Engage in an imagined dialogue with this family member, "money". Consider the following kinds of questions and write down the conversation. What feelingsdo each of you have about the issue and where do they seem to come from? Does she feel too elusive, scary or important to you? What role has she playedin the family? How did your parents relate to her? What did they tell or not tell you about her? How did their relationship to her change when you were born? You get the idea. What does this imagined dialogue reveal to you about the money issue you noted above in step one? If all the answers aren’t clear or immediately forthcoming, don’t worry. Appreciate that even if money’s true meaning may be hidden or unconscious, you are working on it. This process may require some time and/or achange of scene. Take a walk with your journal to a favorite spot, or a cozy café. Sip. Reflect. Write. Or learn a new relaxation technique. (I know, I know, many parents exclaim at this point, "Relaxation? Café? Who has time? For now, try taking a few minutes for yourself in a hot bath or before bedtime.)

Three: Share what you are discovering with someone you trust to gain some support and perspective about what you can do next to effect changes in your money life. Keep in mind that in addition to its psychological side, money has a very practical side which also must be respected in your planning. Remember that objectivity and keeping anxiety to a minimum areimportant when dealing with family money issues! In the next installment of this series, we will explore the "money personality" and how it can cause conflicts and financial difficulties within the family.

Paul Minsky is a licensed psychologist, educator and consultant specializing in family money and investment issues. He is a past President of the Northern California Society of Clinical Hypnosis. His 20 years of experience in private practice are enhanced by his practical background in financial planning, economics, and as a registered investment adviser. Paul will be presenting a workshop on the "Psychology of Money" at UC Berkeley Extension, Berkeley, California. He can be reached at (510) 524-0700 or email: drpjminsky@aol.com