Educating ourselves about parenting is a critical part of our being "good enough" fathers. Understanding the importance of food and the need for independence in small children is basic to helping develop good eating habits and self esteem.

Many of the difficulties I see with dads of teenagers and families with adolescents are issues that often began in early childhood as struggles around food. As being a Family Therapist, one of the areas I want to discuss when a family comes in for treatment is what are their food and eating routines.

For young children, how often and how much they eat can vary greatly. Young children's appetites are not organized around the adults' defined eating times. As adults we have learned, as children do over time, to be organized around eating three times a day. Our external and internal rhythms are now structured around these times. Young children are much more internally focused. A 3- year- old can not want anything to eat at noon and by twelve-thirty be ravishingly hungry. A young child focusing on play may find "lunch time" (and food) an unwelcome intrusion.

Young children's need for independence is often met with great ambivalence. Eating is a way they may experiment with this confusion. Acting out around food is one way a young child tries to understand and master his need for independence and autonomy. What he puts in his mouth and how much he eats and when he eats are one of the few ways he can exercise independent control in his life. Children can eat huge meals one day and the next not be hungry at all. They can love a special food one week and the next refuse to eat it. Sometimes a child may want to be totally catered to and another time the same child may want to be left alone.

While all dads would like their children to enjoy eating, each parent brings his or her own hang-ups to this area. Usually there are unresolved issues from our own childhood that we react to in our own children. If you can remember your own past experiences around eating you need not continue them with your children. Forcing a child to eat is a certain road to eating problems. In order for a child to enjoy eating he, must be in control.

Toddlers will often use food to test limits. They will always want the food you don't have. Letting your child know that; "this is what we have for dinner tonight, we will have ...(whatever the child is asking for) tomorrow night. Parents need to learn to relax around meal times. Children's nutritional needs are fairly simple, and if the the child is in the normal ranges for weight and height and if the food available is nutritional generally, you're probably doing just fine.

If you haven't made food a struggle for both you and your child, by four or five, kids will find it exciting to try new foods and experiment with new tastes. Establishing independence about eating is one way in which we help our child learn their own limits and foster their ability to make their own choices, an essential ingredient in positive self-esteem. Pickiness, refusal of certain foods, wide variation in tastes from one week to the next, are all part of the normal phases kids go through. Tolerance is what we need to learn-and show-as parents.

Of course, if your child refuses to eat over a prolonged period or is very thin or overweight, it would be appropriate to seek you doctor's advice.

Respecting our child's need for control, and being aware of our own past history of eating, we can proceed into the future with our families in a relaxed and positive manner at meal times. I hope this has been some food for thought.

For Further self-reflection and discussion:
1. What are the "feeling tones" at your meals, tense or relaxed?
2. How flexible or rigid are you about your child's eating?
3. When you were growing up what were the "rules" about food and eating? What was the "mood" around the dinner table with your parents?