What is going on in the "men's movement"? Do we really need a movement? Since most of the institutions in our society are designed and controlled by men, what do we really want to change?

War, incest, poverty, racism and the relationship between men and women are not separate and independent issues but interconnected and part of our societal value system.

Any men's movement that does exist owes a great debt to the women's movement and the development of feminist philosophy/psychology in the United States. For more than the past twenty years women have been championing the causes of equality and equity in both the work world and in family life. They have led the struggle to improve education and childcare.

Today's media driven "Men's Movement" has ignored fatherhood. This has been my personal experience as I have participated in groups and workshops over the past twenty- five years, and it was one of the reasons for starting the Father's Forum in 1986. (The Father's Forum offers men's groups for fathers and workshops for new and expectant dads.) In groups with Robert Bly and Michael Mead, and in my own men's groups and activities here in the Northern California area, I found a wonderful community of men. I discovered that the competitiveness and isolation I was taught to value was keeping me from having a community. The losses I carried within and never expressed were slowly eating me up from the inside. I began to understand how the unconscious devaluing of women had cut me off from a more nurturing part of myself. Through myth and stories, but mostly in the care of men, some older, some younger, I found a place to tell my stories. I became aware of how little opportunity I had to talk about life, the struggles of my own experiences, with other men. This is the greatest gift of the "men's movement": to have the opportunity to safely talk with other men about the inner experiences of day-to-day living. This is the most healing and politically radical change the men's movement has created.

It was not until I had children myself that I began to realize that the issues of being a father and having a family were not being addressed by my "men's work." Talking about what it means to be a man is important, but if it does not connect us to the greater issues of our lives, then the men's movement is a failure. If the men's movement causes a greater schism than already exists between men and women, then it has failed doubly.

I think the most vital aspect of today's men's movement and the least publicized and understood is fatherhood. A fundamental shift in our society is taking place. We are aspiring to transform from a dominator to a partnership culture. Here we find the sharing of work and home life, making money and raising children becoming a cooperative endeavor by men and women.

What today's fathers are doing all over the country is a grass roots political movement. When men become fathers, an opportunity for a profound and fundamental emotional shift in consciousness can occur. The vulnerability of their children can touch their own fears and vulnerabilities, and an emotional awakening can occur. This awakening is not just to the world of feelings. It is a connection to the world of greater political realities that they must now struggle with. It is the experience of "generativity" that carries the father from his own concerns about his identity as a man to the greater concerns for his family and community.

For years the "men's movement" has attempted to help men go from the narcissism of what it means to be a man, to a more dynamic involvement in our society. Today's fathers are fulfilling this aspiration. Our sense of manhood, what kind of person we want to be- beyond gender definition-is what today's dads struggle with. I see it over and over again in my father's groups. Men are reintegrating the nurturing and generative aspects of their emotional lives, and are coming to terms with a new definition of what it means to be a man, a definition which includes how to contribute to a society worthy of bringing children into.

Understanding what it takes to be a parent, sleepless nights and endless patience, feeling the fears and vulnerabilities of having young children, worrying about education and childcare, figuring out how to provide guidance, set limits without injuring your child's spirit, living equitably with your partner, being a parent and a husband, crafting a loving marriage and a family with values, morals and ethics--- these are the challenges for today's dads. Sharing these struggles with other men/fathers helps create a community of men who are not only raising their consciousness about being men but about the society we live in.

It is my hope that as the respective men's and women's movements develop, we will see that our similarities outweigh our differences. We can live together as allies and raise children who will reflect all the best of what it means to be not just men or women but truly caring human beings.

For Further self-reflection and discussion:
1. Are men and women being socialized differently? How so?
2. What "feminine" qualities do you feel would help you as a man?
3. Are there subtle ways you "devalue" women or do you deal with the men and women in your life equally?